I AM Learning

After seeing myself as a blank slate, all ready for me to "create" the me I wanted to be, I started to write down aspects I wanted to build into myself.  I was doing well too until I read what I had written.  Then, I froze.

Doubt, fear and an absence of self-worth started dancing in my head reciting all my many failings and how I could never be the person I was aspiring to be. So I stopped trying.  But then, something interesting happened.

The first thing was that I found that even though I had reverted to my old coping mechanisms, I was completely dissatisfied.  I wasn't fitting in my old skin anymore - I had outgrown it.  This was very uncomfortable because while I didn't believe I could be better, I no longer knew how to be the same anymore.

Then I found this picture.  I read it over and over. I looked at the multi-coloured bird and thought how it wasn't just bright colours.  If you look at the picture and see the colours as emotions, the bird had all of them.  This bird allowed sadness (blue), anger (red), green (peace), pink (love) and a healthy smattering of yellows and oranges (joy and contentment). It wasn't trying to be perfect, just balanced.

I think this desire to erradicate sadness, anger, frustration and any other emotion we consider to be negative causes us more stress and anxiety than any external force can cause.  Maybe, if we allowed our less pleasant emotions to surface in a healthy, accepting way and allowed ourselves to actually FEEL, then we might find they fade much quicker and cause less discomfort by acknowledging them. We don't have to be perfect, and Ms or Mr Rosy Sunshine all the time to be valuable, likeable and loveable.

It was with this renewed understanding that I went back to my list.  I don't fear trying something new anymore. I don't fear trying a new way (after all, the old way certainly didn't work).  I don't expect myself to change overnight.  I'm not ashamed at saying "I'm learning".  I'm now OK with allowing myself to be the coloured bird, allowing feelings of uncertainty, grief, loss, fear, frustration without trying to push them away ... and guess what, it's working. I'm finally feeling hopeful.  I've finally looked up.  So, colour yourself in and together we'll look up at all the possibilities.

I AM A BLANK SLATE

Hello my fellow travellers,

When I pulled up outside my house today, I had the feeling again of having completely lost myself and my identity.

Who was I anymore?  Who am I supposed to be now? When I get out of the car, what purpose do I have? What am I supposed to do now?

Usually when feeling absent from my life - disconnected - I would drive down to the shops, buy a can of coke and a packet of cigarettes and come home, sit down, drink my chemicals in a can and inhale my cancer in a stick, and go about my day still emotionally MIA, with the added bonus of feeling sick and stinking.

Still sitting in my car, staring vacantly out the window, I realised that NOW was my chance to try something different.  NOW was my chance to start over. While I had no idea who I was anymore, this didn't mean I was powerless to shape who I wanted to become.  I could build a better me.

I might not know the exact details and have a clear picture of who I want to be but that doesn't matter. Little by little I can extract the things I don't want, the outdated and misfiring parts, and replace them with productive meaningful building blocks that will mould and form the newer, better, stronger me.

And so with this wonderous realisation I decided to get out of the car, make a warm cup of tea, and write to you.  Share the idea and the endless possibilities is provides for all of us.  When faced with this abscence of self, we can all reform, remodell, and reshape ourselves.  It's not depressing anymore but exciting.  Enless possibilities await.

Now, I'm going to sit down and write a list of things I want in the new me. I'm going to take my power back and design, model and mould my new form. What shape will you emerge as?

I am Here

Hello my friend,

Know that you are not alone. Close your eyes and know that my arm is around you. I am right beside you. Just breathe. Slowly. Slowly.

You are stronger than you think.  You are more than this moment in time.  This moment will pass.  My arm around you is warm and safe.  Just breathe.

I have not left.  I'm still here.  Just breathe.

When you're ready, look up, get up and do something. Even something small. Go for a walk or wash up the dishes.  Sit on the grass (unless it's raining) and look at the sky.  Hold a door open for someone.

Know that the moment has passed and you have achieved something.  You are valuable.  You are not alone anymore.  I'm still here and together we'll breathe in and out. We'll feel better than we did because we're not alone anymore.

Why I am ...

Hello my fellow travellers,

After a long (and still undiagnosed) illness I sat yesterday feeling as though I had disappeared.  I no longer recognised myself in the mirror, or knew who I was anymore.  My overwhelming feeling was that of complete and utter powerlessness.

You see, not that long ago I was a strong, independent and (relatively) secure person.  I was physically strong and helped my mother, friends and clients do things they weren't able to do.  I lived in a house with my children (dog, cats and fish) and managed to keep it clean, tidy and paid for.  I worked in a mentally demanding job where I travelled regularly, represented people in tribunals and assisted the vulnerable.  I looked after my children, paid for their education, and made sure they knew they were loved, valued, happy and healthy.  My home was my haven and I was surrounded with things of value, beauty and function that I had collected over 20 years. I was the "carer" in my family.  When Mum, Dad, kids, friends needed help cleaning, washing, wound dressings, showering, cleaning up messes ... basically anything with the exception of cooking ... I was the person.

Of course I had my faults but who doesn't? And faults are all relative anyway.  But, on the whole I tried to be a good person.  A person who helped others, supported friends, was loyal and kind and understanding.  I was also fiercely independent and internally strong and resillient.

Now, after 2 years of illness with no end in sight, my child and I have had to move in with my Mother, not so I can help her but because I need her help.  I've had to give up a job that I loved. A lot of the time I can only manage getting from the bed to the chair to the table and back to the chair before sleeping again.  I can't drive far anymore (no more running away when the urge strikes). All my belongings have either been sold, given away or are in storage gathering dust and probably housing the odd mouse family or two.

Don't get me wrong, I've been a fighter.  I've pushed doctors and specialists and alternative therapists for answers.  I've looked into things that I can do that might slow my deterioration or even improve my health.  I've tried affirmations, positive thought and behaviour, zen, buddhism, christianity, meditation, yoga, self-help books and activities.  You get the idea.  Up to now I've been ok on the rollercoaster of appointment (start), test (up), waiting for results (hanging at the top), and the lack of answers (rapid decent).  I've stayed on the ride even though with each round I found more pieces of myself MIA.

Yesterday was my bottom.  I looked at myself waiting for the next round of the ride to start (another referral to a specialist clinic) and realised I didn't know who this person was anymore.  I felt completely alone. I felt like I was a burden, intrusion, annoyance, and useless.  Completely and utterly powerless.

This morning I woke up feeling much the same but in a fleeting moment of insight I realised I was still breathing in and out.  I was still kissing my child goodbye as she went off to school.  I was still thinking.  I was still here.  I am still here.

I wondered how many people out there felt so alone they could hardly breathe anymore.  Then I realised that even though I couldn't care and help others physically, I might just be able to reach someone who needed to know they weren't alone through the magic of cyberspace.

So each day I'm going to remind myself that I'm still here by helping others feel less alone, by helping others feel that they are valuable, they do have a shoulder to lean on, there is someone who will hear them.

And so, whoever and wherever you are, know that I am here ... for you!