I AM Learning

After seeing myself as a blank slate, all ready for me to "create" the me I wanted to be, I started to write down aspects I wanted to build into myself.  I was doing well too until I read what I had written.  Then, I froze.

Doubt, fear and an absence of self-worth started dancing in my head reciting all my many failings and how I could never be the person I was aspiring to be. So I stopped trying.  But then, something interesting happened.

The first thing was that I found that even though I had reverted to my old coping mechanisms, I was completely dissatisfied.  I wasn't fitting in my old skin anymore - I had outgrown it.  This was very uncomfortable because while I didn't believe I could be better, I no longer knew how to be the same anymore.

Then I found this picture.  I read it over and over. I looked at the multi-coloured bird and thought how it wasn't just bright colours.  If you look at the picture and see the colours as emotions, the bird had all of them.  This bird allowed sadness (blue), anger (red), green (peace), pink (love) and a healthy smattering of yellows and oranges (joy and contentment). It wasn't trying to be perfect, just balanced.

I think this desire to erradicate sadness, anger, frustration and any other emotion we consider to be negative causes us more stress and anxiety than any external force can cause.  Maybe, if we allowed our less pleasant emotions to surface in a healthy, accepting way and allowed ourselves to actually FEEL, then we might find they fade much quicker and cause less discomfort by acknowledging them. We don't have to be perfect, and Ms or Mr Rosy Sunshine all the time to be valuable, likeable and loveable.

It was with this renewed understanding that I went back to my list.  I don't fear trying something new anymore. I don't fear trying a new way (after all, the old way certainly didn't work).  I don't expect myself to change overnight.  I'm not ashamed at saying "I'm learning".  I'm now OK with allowing myself to be the coloured bird, allowing feelings of uncertainty, grief, loss, fear, frustration without trying to push them away ... and guess what, it's working. I'm finally feeling hopeful.  I've finally looked up.  So, colour yourself in and together we'll look up at all the possibilities.