Hello my fellow travellers,
After a long (and still undiagnosed) illness I sat yesterday feeling as though I had disappeared. I no longer recognised myself in the mirror, or knew who I was anymore. My overwhelming feeling was that of complete and utter powerlessness.
You see, not that long ago I was a strong, independent and (relatively) secure person. I was physically strong and helped my mother, friends and clients do things they weren't able to do. I lived in a house with my children (dog, cats and fish) and managed to keep it clean, tidy and paid for. I worked in a mentally demanding job where I travelled regularly, represented people in tribunals and assisted the vulnerable. I looked after my children, paid for their education, and made sure they knew they were loved, valued, happy and healthy. My home was my haven and I was surrounded with things of value, beauty and function that I had collected over 20 years. I was the "carer" in my family. When Mum, Dad, kids, friends needed help cleaning, washing, wound dressings, showering, cleaning up messes ... basically anything with the exception of cooking ... I was the person.
Of course I had my faults but who doesn't? And faults are all relative anyway. But, on the whole I tried to be a good person. A person who helped others, supported friends, was loyal and kind and understanding. I was also fiercely independent and internally strong and resillient.
Now, after 2 years of illness with no end in sight, my child and I have had to move in with my Mother, not so I can help her but because I need her help. I've had to give up a job that I loved. A lot of the time I can only manage getting from the bed to the chair to the table and back to the chair before sleeping again. I can't drive far anymore (no more running away when the urge strikes). All my belongings have either been sold, given away or are in storage gathering dust and probably housing the odd mouse family or two.
Don't get me wrong, I've been a fighter. I've pushed doctors and specialists and alternative therapists for answers. I've looked into things that I can do that might slow my deterioration or even improve my health. I've tried affirmations, positive thought and behaviour, zen, buddhism, christianity, meditation, yoga, self-help books and activities. You get the idea. Up to now I've been ok on the rollercoaster of appointment (start), test (up), waiting for results (hanging at the top), and the lack of answers (rapid decent). I've stayed on the ride even though with each round I found more pieces of myself MIA.
Yesterday was my bottom. I looked at myself waiting for the next round of the ride to start (another referral to a specialist clinic) and realised I didn't know who this person was anymore. I felt completely alone. I felt like I was a burden, intrusion, annoyance, and useless. Completely and utterly powerless.
This morning I woke up feeling much the same but in a fleeting moment of insight I realised I was still breathing in and out. I was still kissing my child goodbye as she went off to school. I was still thinking. I was still here. I am still here.
I wondered how many people out there felt so alone they could hardly breathe anymore. Then I realised that even though I couldn't care and help others physically, I might just be able to reach someone who needed to know they weren't alone through the magic of cyberspace.
So each day I'm going to remind myself that I'm still here by helping others feel less alone, by helping others feel that they are valuable, they do have a shoulder to lean on, there is someone who will hear them.
And so, whoever and wherever you are, know that I am here ... for you!
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